May 04, 2011

Worst Tour Ever

Dear Diary
Ok so I thought being bullied in elementary school with the constant teasing, mean petitions asking how many people hated me etc what caused me to leave school was the most horrible even of my life but what has happened over the months takes the cake.

I thought that after 3 years of secretly having more then friendship feelings for my "best friend", I will explain why I put those words in quotations, later, I finally might have found someone who I could have a lasting, loving, committed, respectful relationship with a guy since Joe and I had spent a lot of time together getting to ,what I thought, really get to know every detail of the other person, so we seemed "perfect" for each other but man was I dead wrong.

I was on cloud 9 when Joe and I started to go out that I wanted to scream at the rooftops that I was dating Joe Jonas but out of respect I asked him and his dad, my manager, if it was the best thing that we tell the public that we were dating. I would have been just fine letting our fans find out about us through seeing us in romantic moments in the magazines but Mr Jonas said that it would be fine if Joe and I talked about our relationship but only if we were asked by an interviewer which I did.

The next month was fabulous, I got to do everything I dreamed about; be able to kiss, being held by Joe in his arms, snuggling with him, having romantic moments with my boyfriend. Yes sometimes our moments were in public but I didn't think anything about it cause I thought that Joe was just showing the world that I was his special girl and that he loved me. Boy was I naive.

At first I had no problem with Joe hanging out with Ashley cause he was allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, I mean I have Brandon, Doug, Sterling and of course Nick. I thought that they were just friends then they started to hang out more often , talk on the phone a lot, I don't even call or hang out with my friends that often, and of course there was the rumors that they were more then friends. But I tried not to believe them as the media is famous of making up stories that had no ring of truth to them just to get money.

Then Joe started acting distant to me, when I tried to hug him or kiss him, he would go all cold fish on me and not really into hugging or kissing me back. When I tried to talk to him, he seemed like his mind was far away and I would often have to repeat myself or bring him back to where I was. When I asked him if there was something wrong, he wouldn't answer my truthfully and his smile was forced.

He finally came clear and told me that he didn't think our relationship would work out 1 month after we started dating. Who knows that early that a relationship wouldn't work out? and usually when a couple is having problems, like we were obvious were, they try to work out their problems before deciding to split up. He tried to tell me that he thought that our relationship was too public, um hello you and I both agreed that we were free to talk about the minimal amount of our relationship to the public when we first came out. Plus how is it our fault that the paparazzi would find us and take pictures of us being romantic?
Then he tried to tell me that we were better off as friends. I agree cause when we were just friends, we seemed happier when we were together just hanging out no pretenses,no awkwardness with innocent harmless flirting between us. So unfortunately that is how our relationship ended, my heart was tattered at another failed relationship and was hoping and praying that our friendship wouldn't suffer.

A little bit afterward was a little awkward, I mean we had kissed and acted all lovey dovey for 1 month now so it was hard to go back to being all buddy buddy again but I tried my hardest to put a smile on my face and show everyone that I was ok with breaking up with Joe. But I guess my dear ex-boyfriend had a plan of his own cause only weeks after us breaking up he and Ashley came out as a couple, oh so that was the real reason we split up huh Joe.

I have to admit I was hurt that my ex-boyfriend and best friend would go from one relationship to another so quickly and from the looks of things had been emotionally cheating on me by hanging out with Ashley so much and doing all the things he should have done with me, his girlfriend, talking about how and what he was feelings, his hopes, his dreams, his aspirations,his high points and low points of the day etc. A nice guy would have waited at least a few months before dating someone else in order to search his heart for the reasons why our relationship didn't work and figure out what he will do differently in his next one.

What made it even worse is that the media seemed to thrive on my inner troubles by posting several articles about Jashley and the reasons why they thought Joe and I broke up which Joe seemed to gladly supply them with, like I was too clingy,was too public with our relationship and that I had inner issues that he couldn't deal with. My heart broke everytime I would read an article about Jashley and mine and Joe's failed relationship and the upcoming tour. I may have been too clingy and too public but I wanted to show the world how much I loved Joe and what kind of friend would abandon another friend when they need their support and comfort to tell them that everything is going to be ok and make sure that the individual gets the help they need to get better.

I mean even if Joe was no longer my boyfriend that didn't mean he had the right to air out my issues to the public who will run with that information to make up stories that will paint me as a troubled teen and not a good role model for my young fans. I needed him to be a listening and understanding ear to me as I vent out my problems and help me deal with them. My fans mean a lot to me, they are the whole reason I'm where I am today, and I want to be the best role model I can be to my fans but I'm also a person who has trouble they have been hiding for years suppressed like everyone else.

Thank God I had my closest friends, Brandon, Doug, Tiffany and Sterling, though Sterling was my biggest supporter. I don't know how I would get through this difficult time in my life. He was so sweet, understanding and caring to me during this time, all I had to do was call him, like the night I found out that Joe was already in a relationship and was airing out my problems, and he would come rushing over with some food, kleenex, and his old stuff animal to hug to my doorstep with open arms. I could be sobbing on his shoulder, soaking his shirt with my tears and boogers and he would still gently stroke my back or hair and whisper in my ear that everything will be ok and that it was ok to cry and feel sorry for myself as it will help with the healing process.

After I was done crying, he would tenderly tuck my hair behind my ear, look me straight in the eye and say with all the seriousness and gentleness that Joe was a jerk who didn't deserve my undying love that I give to eveyone I meet because my heart is filled with so much love that it spills out to anybody in my life and I didn't need to be friends with someone who had no problem spilling my innermost secrets to the world. According to him, I needed a guy who will love me unconditionally, be with me through thick and thin, talk to me about everything about himself from his dreams, aspirations and fears, be a true and loyal friend to me, be sweet, sensitive, caring and isn't afraid to do romantic things for me and not be afraid to show me their love in public as when we are alone. That sounds like my dream guy and the first half of that description sounds like Sterling but there is no way he loves me as more then a younger sister right?
I would end up falling asleep on Sterling's shoulder where I would feel him slowing lowering me to lie down on the couch so i'm more comfortable, cover me with a blanket and gently kiss my forehead while whispering "Sweet dreams Dem Demi" then when I woke up I would find a note reminding me that he and Tiff are only a phone call away in case I need them and he will phone me later to see how I'm doing.

Things got worse when Ashley came on tour with us. Up until then I had tried my darnest not to focus on the whole Jashley thing but it was kind of hard when it seemed like every day there seemed to be an article on them, so how is the whole not a public relationship going Joe? But Ashley came to every concert of ours, ok so a couple of shows to support her boyfriend would be ok as I understand that aspect of a relationship of supporting someine you care about but not every single one. People need to be able to have time to themselves to be with their friends and not have their boyfriend\girlfriend around them 24\7.

Also Ashley was like all over Joe, groping him, hanging off of him and they were constantly making out. Man is it awkward and kind of gross walking into a room and seeing them tongue tangle and not even stopping when they see someone is in the room. Wow, I was not that clingy, the farthest I ever went with Joe was some kisses and handholding and maybe standing in his arms but that was rare and Joe broke up with me for being too clingy so why is he accepting Ashley being like that?

Ashley seemed to think since I had issues that dealt with the breakup and being bullied on line since the breakup that it gave her the right to tease me, insult me and put me down any way she could. But the thing is she would make her insults seem like she was giving me a compliment or casually put it into the conversations or texts, like "OMG you are so talented so remind me why you are here on this tour again?" but with a sly smile that totally contradicts her statement and I seemed to be the only one to hear the underlying insult, the other people just say "Demi what are you talking about? Ashley wasn't insulting you, she was just making a comment. Don't be so sensitive. We know that you are still hurt about yours and Joe's breakup but he has moved on so should you." when I bring the fact up that Ashley insulted me.

Oh great she not only brainwashed Joe, all she had to do was call Joe's name in a flirty baby voice and he would come running and do whatever she wanted and then wait for a kiss as payment, but everyone else. No one believed me when I showed them the mean, insulting texts she send me, they would just say that I was overreacting and why would she send me those texts when she doesn't even have my phone number or have a reason to hate me.

I tried to talk to Joe to see if he could help me since I thought we were friends but he, of course, sided with his girlfriend and said that i was just jealous of his and Ashley's blossoming relationship. Ya keep telling yourself that buddy, I'm not jealous of your new relationship, I could care less about you guys, all I care about is that your girlfriend is making my time on tour unbearable and I want you to man up and tell her to cut it out.

I even tried to talk to Mr Jonas, who I thought was like my dad but who had conveniently not talked to me since Joe and I broke up, to see if he could talk to his son but I got that I should try to understand how Joe is feeling, having his ex girlfriend and new girlfriend together and his ex-girlfriend making up rumors to start trouble cause she is jealous, what is it with everyone thinking I'm jealous. Why isn't anybody thinking about how I'm feeling right now? I mean it is awkward for me too seeing Joe with his new girlfriend so soon after we broke up being all lovey dovey but no one cares about me.

I felt so alone, sure I vented to Sterling and Tiffany about how I was feeling on tour and they were sympathetic about my situation but as much as I love them, they couldn't do anything to help me. I was so happy to see so many of my fans, millions of them, who came to the shows, screaming my name and holding out posters that exclaimed how much they love and support me. I needed to see and hear all those smiling, screaming and singing to my songs fans in order for my problems to disappear , the world to go right once again and for me to be my normal happy go lucky self. Yes I didn't really enjoy Joe and mine duets but once they were cut, cause Ashley didn't like her Joey singing love songs with me boo hoo!, I was much happier cause after my set I could go to my dressing room and call Sterling to tell him about my day and get the encouraging, kind, understanding, caring words I needed to survive another day with Ms Greene.

I'm so touched that my friends, Tiffany, Doug, Brandon and Sterling, came to one of my concerts, I knew they enjoyed my music and that they have most of my songs on their I-Pods cause they tell me that anytime I wanted to try my new songs, whether for the show or my CDs, out on them then they wouldn't complain. If I had known they were there, I would have made sure that I rocked even harder on stage and sing my heart out just for them to show that I really appreciated their love and support through this difficult time and that I love them so much.

I also wish that they could have gotten backstage to see me and so I could show them around a concert's backstage and hang out with them, we haven't been able to hang out as much since the tour started. But of course Ashley got Richard to say that he was told by Mr Jonas, ya right so believe you, that no one besides the cast and crew can go backstage. So why can Ashley who isn't part of either group be allowed to go backstage anytime she wants and dictate who does what? That's so unfair. Anyway, from Sterling's tweet, everyone had fun so that is good. Now how am I going to deal with Ms Greene and her manipulation of everyone around us? I have a feeling things will be worse before they get better.

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