May 04, 2011

Love Mistake

Dear Diary

I can't believe that I could have had the once in a lifetime, one in a million shot at True Love and because of my past and present mistakes I may have lost my chance.

I'm not talking about most of my past relationships cause the guys I used to date might have been different in the eyes of the public, with their tattoos, interesting character of friends etc but inside I found them to be really nice people who weren't afraid to be themselves, no matter what "bad" image they portrayed to the public and what my fans had of them. I'm just glad that my fans decided to give them a chance instead of just taking one look at them and decide that they have to trash talk him to other fans and decide he isn't worth my time.

Even though they are nice people, our relationship didn't work out in the next couple of months of starting to date cause we had nothing really much substantial in common with, our differences were too much for the relationship to continue on. But don't worry the guy and me broke it off cleanly, no hard feelings or bad blood and we stayed friends. We talk whenever we see each other online and if we see each other around in the music business we chit-chat.

I feel that those relationships were life lessons on what kind of guy I want to end up with in a lifetime relationship and what not to accept in my relationships but man did I not take those life lessons I learned in my last relationship cause man it was a dozy. I mean I always thought Joe Jonas was a gentleman, someone with good family values and morals, who would never hurt me emotionally , who put his family and friends first, down to earth and isn't afraid to be himself (his goofy, slightly immature, funny self)

But he proved me wrong, it was wonderful in the beginning. I felt like I was soaring on the plane of love whenever i was with Joe or even thought of him. i mean how perfect is it that i had fallen in love with my best friend who I had so much in common with, or so i thought. We both loved music, it was our life, our family, friends, fans are #! in our lives and we were both genuine kind of people or so I thought.

Yes I know that I may have gotten a bit overboard with the whole showing the world how much I loved him and I might have been all clingy but hey I'm one of those people who is very emotional and likes showing people how much I love them by telling them out right and of course the old fashioned way of showing them with my affections so excuse me. I didn't think it was a big deal; I mean all Joe had to do was ask me gently to tone my affection down.

I kind of understood why Joe would break up with me because I was supposedly too clingy, though as said before he could have just told me, and I had more respect for him that the other reason why because he didn't want to lose our close friendship because obviously we weren't romantically compatible although to my lovesick heart we seemed to have the spark that love is based on. It showed that like me our close friendship mean tam lot to him that he didn't want to risk losing it.

My respect grew to utter distain and regret when I read in the paper, on my birthday none the less, that Joe already had a new relationship with a girl he turned out had been seeing her secretly when we had been dating; ok dude if you wanted to see another girl just tell me don't see someone else behind my back, man up to your emotions and don't lead me on thinking we had a relationship. I thought that Joe was a person who would never be a two timer but I guess i was wrong.

I know that I shouldn't have hit Shorty and I have no excuse other then the fact that since Joe broke my heart my emotion state went downward. I felt like i couldn't have seen the signs that Joe was as interested in me as I was about him and that he had someone on the side. What was wrong with me that my best friend couldn't have just told me the truth, was I that unlikable and gullible that I will never have a long time romantic relationship with a guy, domed to be only friends with a guy?

It also didn't help that it didn't seem like I had too many friends on the Camp Rock World Tour besides Nick, everyone seemed to be shunning me and excluding me from things; I mean they would be all buddy-buddy with me during filming but afterward I would have to hear about all the fun things the cast and crew would do afterwards from eavesdropping on the conversations then when I would ask them why I wasn't invited, I would get a cold stare and the brush off of "We didn’t think you would feel comfortable with having Joe and Ashley around"

Um ok so I know that having Joe and Ashley being all up in the other’s business all the time and the fact that Ashley has been on tour with us the entire time, I know she wants to spend as much time as she could with her boyfriend, but man the guy needs space or at least he said that me. But I think I can handle their public displays of affection for a night with my friends. I felt so lonely, I was like talking to my friends, Tiff, Brandon and Sterling, back home almost every night about my feelings and they kept telling me to keep my chin up and keep focused on my loyal fans who have spent their money on tickets just to see me perform live.

The reason I hit Shorty is I couldn’t sleep last night for the love of me cause there was party in the room next to me, that of course i wan’t invited to, so of course I was on edge then as I walked back to my seat after suing the facilities and overheard her telling the others that the reason that Joe broke up with me was because I was too immature, dull and dreary and he was done carrying me in the music business.

I don’t know what happened after that; it was like all the pressure, the insecurities of being bullied online since Joe and I broke up, plus when I was younger and heck if you want to be honest I have been bullied since I stared in the first Camp Rock and the lack of sleep made me lose my mind and I hit her only once and then I walked away.

When I got to the hotel room, I called my mom, confessed everything I had been experiencing these past few months, I have had to lie to my mom about how well the tour was going so she wouldn’t worry, and what I did, like i knew she was she was upset that i had actually hit someone no matter the reason and that i have been hiding stuff from her for months but she understood why I had to come home and deal with my insecurities and stop the tour.

At first I was so ashamed that I was in a treatment centre for emotional issues but I knew that this was the best place for me to get emotionally healthy once again so when I was hit with bullies and haters who for some reason had a problem with the way i live my own life and am myself instead of a clone I would brush it off as people who didn’t have anything better to do then hurt others.

My true, loyal friends and family kept me updated on what wonderful, supportive and loving things my loyal, true, supportive, loving fans were saying about me, even after what I did in my past that might make them turn away from me they said that they would still love and support me through everything life brings me and would stand up to me from people who stuck their noses into my own business and actually accused me of being more screwed up then I was just because I was in a treatment centre.

During the months of me being in the centre was a learning experience I realized things about me that I never knew like the fact that I felt like I had to be be " the perfect girl" for the guys in my life, aka my boyfriends and father, in order for me to feel loved so I wasn’t being my true self in those relationships i was being the girl I felt the guys wanted me to be. My therapist told me that in order to be in a successful relationship I needed to find myself again so I knew the kind of person I wanted to be when in relationships before getting into a relationship.

I was of course thrilled that now I’m out and going home to a place where I'm surrounded by all the love and support I could ever want from my true, loyal friends and family. The reason i keep saying loyal and true when describing my fans is that when I was in the centre the people I thought were my friends backstabbed me by either not saying anything about me and my issues, no word of support for me, not even my second family did anything, they all just stuck their heads in the sand and went blind at even the issue of me or even worse spreading lies about me.

I may not like Ashley but I would never badmouth her through any means, by word of mouth or by e-mail. Yes I may have mentioned that I thought that Joe wouldn’t like having her around her all the time and that I didn’t appreciate the fact that she tempted my boyfriend to sneak around with her, yes I do realize that Joe had an equal part in the sneaking around part, and the fact that she has badmouthed me and insulted me through the entire and suddenly i'm the bad guy?.

The way that the media portrayed me was that I was an out of control, immature bully who who badmouth people anyone who gets in my way of being famous, I got famous by dreaming big and working really hard at writing heartfelt songs that my loyal fans can relate to by saying "hang in their honey, I have been through all that you have been so I know what you are going through" and my acting not through attaching myself to others.

Then there were my private hanging out with my friends pictures being leaked on the net; hey I was just hanging out with my friends taking somewhat sexy pictures like any other group of friends hanging out. I mean how many other people can say that they don’t take funny, dorky, somewhat sexy pictures when they are with the closest friends? Now people think I'm a sexed out, sleep around, permiscus young women which totally isn’t true.

I refuse to be intimate with a man who I don’t have a long lasting relationship with, like say marriage. Yes that is right, I may dress what other may percieve as sexy but I'm a virgin and that is the way it is going to stay until I'm married. I hate thjat people are trashing my image and name just to get some extra bucks. Speaking of people saying things that are made up; Shorty told the press her side of the story and it was totally wrong, she may it seem like i just came up to her and punched her witohut any warning or reason, um if you want to tell the story to the media try telling the truth hon, and I caused more damage then a black eye that she needed surgury, um I know I didn’t hit you enough to do major damage so try telling the truth please and stop making up lies to make yourself look like the victim. Especially when i am not around to defend myself agains the accusations. I'm so glad that that chapter is ended and a settlement was made.

Along with learning how to be my own person in relationships I also learned who my true and loyal friends and fans were, pretty much anyone who badmouthed me and didn’t stand up for me and stay loyal and true to me to support me through this time and the people who realized that I'm only human who makes mistakes like they do and don’t put me on a high pedestal where I'm suppose to be perfect. If they weren’t real and true then they go to go out of my life cause I need love and support in my life not fakes.

Speaking of true friends, the reason for my first sentence,is for the last 3 years I have been fallen even more in love with one of my best friends Sterling Knight. I know what you are thinking; "Uh Honey didn’t you just get your heart broken after falling in love with your best friend?" and the answer is yes but in my heart of hearts I know that with Sterling I can be 100% true to myself.

During the years of knowing Sterling, he never aked me to be more then me, I could be the biggest bitch, not that i ever would be, and disagree with everything he said and did and I could tell him my opinion and he would take it and debate it back to me and wouldn’t hold my opinion against me. I knew that Sterling liked me for me and would never ask me to change, he is a loyal true friend who i could trust whole heartedly with my deepest secrets and dreams and I know he will not tell anyone, he will take it to the grave and won’t judge me no matter what i say and do.

Plus Sterling is so sweet, he is always doing little things like sneding me little cards of encouragement, love and support along with small bouquets of flowers to the house for me and whenever we talk he is always telling me to just be myself cause that is the young women people love about me, senstive, no matter how many times he has heard the same problem oveer and over again he is still sympathetic and listens to me rant on and on and never gets jaded but gives me the same wonderful personal advice that would probably work in a normal circumstance. Sterling and I can have many different conversations and we would never be bored or run out of things to talk and laugh about, ask our friends who always say that wherever one of us is the other one couldn’t be far behind.

We just seem to click with our similar personaliites and interests. There is so many things I could gush about how wonderful a person Sterling is, he is real he tells it as it is and isn’t afraid to be himself, his fans, friends and family are #1 priority,he is a truly, honest to goodness a gentlemen and a good guy. Plus he is extremely handsome with his baby blue eyes that draw you into them and blond hair that you just want to run your fingers through but he doesn’t have a big head from people going gaga-gaga over him, I become a green eyed monster whenever Sterling has dates cause I'm jealous that some other girl gets to kiss those moist, soft supple lips and look in his gorgeous eyes and being all romantic and lovey dovey with them as i can’t be. Plus what if Sterling falls in love with her too and I'm without my true love.

Sterling has never been in the media presence, whether bad or good, he always keeps a low profile. I have never seen him in tabloid papers while I have been in magazines whether for good reasons or bad. Sterling is good at keeping himself out of the media so if we do date, which is one of my dreams right now, then he will be in the magazines every second week with gossip, rumors of one of us cheating or having problems and our every move and special private moment splashed online and in every magazine so people will knew every detail of our love life which might put a damper and strain on our relationship that we might not be able to handle and that might cause us to break up which isn’t what I want.

I mean I do want my fans to know how extremely happy and in love I am with Sterling but I don’t want the media to know eavery detail of our relationship, some things are private and are meant to be between me and Sterling , that will make our relationship stonger from us relying on each other for support and not looking for love from the outside. I also don’t like the fact that my private life is being splashed out there for all to see and judge and I know that Sterling doesn’t want his life splashed over the tabloids and that is probably going to happen if we start dating. Which is why I tihnk I might have lost the chance to be with my Prince Charming and all because someone wanted to make a money or be famous for some time. Please God let me be wrong.

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